A stream of sad sad tears

Today is a horrible, terrible, moody, nothing-ever-goes-right, why-is everything so wrong, day. Woke up feeling pleased coz I slept so so long n so so well. But shortly after, everything juz went BAD. Everyone in my family was in a bad mood. Even my gadgets screw up n fail on me. Frustrated me gets even more pek chek being yelled at. My driving sucks after such a long break from it. Clutching the steering wheel so tight with my heart banging against my chest as i brace the yelling n complaints frm my impatient dad sitting next to me. Flashes of my past accident kept haunting me until today. Read something on my bf's ex-gf's blog that hurt me so. Seems like she might not have totally gotten past her break-up with him. Insecurities creep up on me once again as memories of my past r/s reminded me that guys cant be trusted. It doesnt help much that she called him twice two days ago. Sunday is the day meant for me to relax b4 the start of a new week of work. But why do i feel more stressed out on a sunday?

Went to the hospital to visit my sick aunt albeit in a very very bad mood. Totally upset. One more thing that goes wrong can totally wreck it n make me burst into tears of frustration and despair. And it came. From someone i least expected. Someone whom i wished wud be there next to me in my midst of despair. Someone i thot wud make everything alright again. Someone i thot i cud count on to bring me the smiles and the rainbow after the rain. I thot wrong.

Mebbe i complained too much. Mebbe i was too much of a spoilt princess for anyone to handle. Mebbe my temper was juz too bad n out of control. But i was really very upset. Am i to blame? How could i control my temper when im alry driven to the edge? But now I know. You made me realize that I cant vent it out on you anymore. Not when the person i thot i cud complain to and vent my frustrations on suddenly lost his patience. For someone always so sweet, mild-tempered and patient, he suddenly lost all his patience for me. For the FIRST time. The sms he sent me was a SLAP to my face. A STAB in my heart. The trigger to my tears.

Uncontrollably as I stared at his sms, hot tears started streaming down as I hurriedly left my relatives and parents at my aunt's hospital bed. Looks of curiosity dawned upon me as I desperately tried to find a washroom where i can hide myself in. These onlookers prolly thot someone juz died since i was at the hospital. N there I was squatting pathetically on the toilet floor, locked in the cubicle for the longest time. Sobbing and sobbing, my arms were drench with warm tears as his harsh,sarcastic words kept running thru my mind and pricking my heart over and over again. At that point in time, i was so tempted to juz dunk my head into the toilet bowl next to me. Nothing could be worse than having the person u love most, the person u thot u can truly count on and turn to, to turn his back on you. I knew i was being difficult, hot-tempered and spoilt. But he didnt have to be so mean. All i wanted is for him to comfort me, the way he always do. Mebbe i pushed it too far. Mebbe i shud juz shut up and stop complaining all the time. I knew that someday and one day he will eventually lose all his patience and flare up at me. I juz din expect it to be so soon. I have reached my ultimate abyss for the day. Nothing could make me more upset than i alry was. This is the FIRST time ever that he made me feel so hurt, the first time he made me cry so hard, the first time he lost his patience at me, the first time he ignored me thereafter. N for all you know, there might be more of such instances to come.

I remembered him saying that he will try his best not to hurt me or lose his patience at me. Is it a lie den? Den again, when do guys ever keep to their words? As far as i can rem, all my ex-bfs nvr keep to their words for long. It was all said and meant "for that moment in time". Wat makes him any different?

These tears brought back such familiar feelings. My thots drifted to my present outlook and attitude towards relationships and how much it has changed from the past. I looked into my heart and i saw a very ugly scar. The deep and ugly scar that my ex left me with. The damage done was far beyond repair. Up till today, whenever i think about it, the hurt still burns inside me. Who could i blame? I was the stupid one. I allowed him to inflict such wounds upon me. I willingly allowed him to trample on me. I brought it upon myself bcoz i was stupid. There are some wounds that are too deep to heal...and some things that even time cannot mend. Unwittingly, i brought the past hurts into my present r/s with Nic. Im no longer the carefree and happie-go-lucky girl i once was. The girl who was so confident of herself. The girl who could love and trust with all her heart like she will nvr be hurt, like there is no tommorrow. I have raised my expectations and my level of caution, n lowered my level trust. Poor Nic. As hard as i try, I still bring with me such paranoia and insecurities that are the repercussions of my ugly scar.

You may ask...with all these doubts...do i still wanna marry him den?...My answer is yes. why? I dunno.